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Ralph's Guide to capitaliZation
The Capital Capitalization Guide
Copyright, 2005, by Ralph. All rights Reserved. Capitally.
CAPITALIZATION
Ralph’s is all for capitalization, in publishing and in
other areas of society. Go Texas! But let's not just capitalize the laws with
"humane" executions (as if executing someone can actually be called
humane); let's break out nooses and axes and other fun tools.
In fact, Ralph’s is of the
belief that the realm of capital crimes should be extended beyond just
premeditated murder, to include robbery, nun beating, and, yes, dangling
modifiers. And especially using an em dash in places where other punctuation
would suffice. (But not for fragments.)
In fact, Ralph’s is in favor of
bringing back the rack, the guillotine . . . Oh, not that "capitalization”
. . . Oh.
Capitalization
Karl Marx summed it up best in his great work Das Kapital
(Spanish for "Tale of Two Cities") by pointing out that workers are
essentially cut off from an I-Thou relationship with the products they make . .
. Oh? Not that "capitalization," either?
Oh, this is capitalization as in
uppercasing. I get it. Dull, but I get it.
Capitalization
There was a time when people capitalized ANYTHING. They
thought capitalization made words sound more Important. Read, for example, the
United States Constitution.
We
the People of the United States, in Order to form
a
more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic
Tranquility . . .
Talk about cheap writing
devices. Why not just fill the sentence with exclamation marks?
We
the people! of the United States! in order! to form!
Yeah!
This of course had to be
changed. Otherwise how would the style manual read?
Capitalize the first, third, and ninth word of any important
document . . .
Besides, what would Strunk say about
this? Our forefathers not only used in order to; they capped it! And so some
sensible rules were established. Following is a brief summary.
Sentences
Like, hello! Capitalize the first letter of a sentence.
Learn to read, to write, and to whistle the melody of “Straight, No Chaser”
while chewing gum. This is pretty basic stuff.
What?! What if the sentence is
to be set in small caps? Don’t you know that sentences look utterly ridiculous
in small caps? But if you must set one thus, yes, use a big capital on the
beginning—something, say the size of Tokyo.
Wrong: the Republican Party houses the country's
highest wisdom.
Still Wrong: The Republican Party houses the country's
highest wisdom.
Right: The Republican Party looks good in pink wigs.
Proper Names
Capitalize all proper names (Tom, Dick, Harry, and
occasionally Woodrow). Do not, on the other hand, capitalize improper ones—such
aberrations as boy george, prince, and kd lang. No wait, capitalize that last
one, and stick some periods in there. But avoid capitalizing improper names,
like the ones my colleagues call me, like pea brain, squash head, and desk
dancer (don't ask).
Sentences Inside of Parenthesis Inside of Other Sentences
If you have to put grammatically complete sentences
inside of parentheses inside of other grammatically complete sentences (this is a practice which is
terribly complicated and distracting to readers, who, by the time they get to
the end of the grammatically complete sentence inside the parentheses inside of
the sentence they are reading, have lost the train of thought of the main
sentence [confusing, isn't it?]), it is not necessary to capitalize the first
letter of that sentence inside parentheses inside of the other sentence, unless
perhaps the first word is an abbreviation or acronym that is normally
capitalized, such as NATO, M.B.A., or TGIF (it is surprising just how many
sentences do, in fact, begin with these, particularly the latter), in which case lowercasing would be
almost as ridiculous as impossibly long sentences interspersed with other
grammatically complete sentences in parentheses (these are sentences that
should be avoided).
Partial Sentences
Do not write partial sentences. Aren’t effective. Not
partial to them.
Poetry
The truly neat thing about poetry is that poets can do
anything they please in terms of punctuation. Just look at the example below.
I
heard a Fly buzz—when I died—
The Stillness in the Room
Was like the Stillness in the Air—
Between the Heaves of Storm—
—Emily Dickinson (J. 465, opening)
Imagine being this lady’s copy
editor! Actually, copyediting for a great poet would be a wonderful job. You
cannot correct their punctuation or capitalization. Probably the only thing
they would accept would be typos, and they’d probably find something poetic
even about those. But the copy editor’s job would basically just be running a
spell check. Of course, poets do not make much money, and therefore would not
likely pay much to have someone run a spell check. Poetic justice.
Direct Questions
The first letter of the first word might or might not be
capitalized, depending on the wish of the author. If the author wants it capitalized,
the copy editor should argue that it cannot be so, and state his argument with
a gun in his hand. Should the author wish it lowercased, then the copy editor
should by all means point out how much clearer the meaning would be if it were
capped. Remember: Always keep authors on the run, and never, ever, let them
think they somehow understand the English language better than, say, a
goldfish.
Indirect Questions
If you find authors beating around the bush with their
questions (He looked at her and opened his lips, saying, “Do you, would you,
could you, should you . . . like to, well, you know, like . . .") cross all the
text out with a red pen and tell the author to revise or to get a job in a malt
shop. (Hard to read? See the sections above on [a] sentences in
parentheses in other sentences and [b] partial sentences.)
The fact is, Americans do not
like indirect writing. (They also do not like tofu, generally speaking, but if
you are working with tofu, this guide cannot help.)
Look at Mark Twain. Better yet,
look at his writing. It says this in all the writing books. They call you a
sissy for using the passive voice. They call you weak for being wordy. We at
Ralph’s see no reason to make indirect questions any different. If a writer
insists on such wording, call him or her ninny and triple your fee.
Rules and Mottos
You can make rules and mottos look much more official by
adding capital letters.
Throw away Coffee Cups after you are Done!
Do
unto Others as Others would Do onto you.
Beware of The Dog.
Don’t Dangle your Modifier, at least not In Public.
However, beware of the ill
effect of rules and mottos: They tend to aggravate people (much the way that
usage of aggravate does).
After Colons
There is heated debate over whether the first letter
following a colon should or should not be capitalized. Use this uncertainty. It
is an excellent way to get under the skin of a writer or junior editor. A quick
journey through various style books and the works of famous writers will
provide extensive support for either viewpoint, but few people realize this.
Therefore, when you need
something for leverage or when you need to make someone look stupid, state that
you have done an extensive survey of similar works and found that the style
(cap or non-cap) the author suggests (insists upon, as is usually more the
case) not only is unheard of but also has been known to cause acid-reflux disease.
Quotations
The first letter of a quotation implanted in a sentence should be capitalized
if it is from someone important, such as the president of the United States.
The president shouted to reporters as he left the White
House, “We’re having hot dogs for lunch!”
With a quotation made by someone unimportant, on the other
hand, the first letter is not normally capitalized.
The vice president looked at the class, smiled, and said,
“mosquito? ooh, that’s a tricky one, but i know it. it’s
m-o-s, not m-i-s . . .
m-o-s-q-u-i-t-o-e."
"Ha-ha!” the class laughed.
To be continued or discontinued.
Copyright, 2005, by Ralph.
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